


i love you

by LeaOotori



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Era, Internalized Homophobia, Lowercase, M/M, Mutual Pining, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-10-01 17:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20345518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeaOotori/pseuds/LeaOotori
Summary: “who are you trying to convince, merlin?” arthur’s voice was but a whisper, low and conspiratorial as he stepped closer, footsteps echoing menacingly against the empty space. in a few mere steps, he was backing merlin up against the windowsill. the uneven stone pressed into his back, the bricks scraping against the material of his tunic and reminding the warlock of the reality of the situation he was in.this was no idyllic daydream— it had been brought to life in the cruelest way and displayed as his worst nightmare just so that fate could tear out his heart for fun.(stylized in lowercase)





	i love you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first ~serious~ Merlin fic (I have a crack oneshot and a crack/fluff WIP currently posted) so I guess it's my first go at actual characterization and plot and serious stuff? I hope you guys like it! 
> 
> NOTE: This is set ANYWHERE in the canon that you want it to be, or it can be set in your own headcanon. It has allusions to the canon era though. In addition-- the entire work being in lowercase is a stylistic choice of mine that I will go into in the end note if you stick around that long. 
> 
> The song link below is a suggestion to listen to while reading this. 
> 
> ENJOY!! :D

["i love you" by billie eilish](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fvj6PE3gN4o)

* * *

“i love you.”

merlin’s feet stilled as the words rang out like a sordid warning bell in the silence of the hall. he whipped around, breath leaving him as he saw arthur had stopped a few paces away, eyes fixed on his own feet and shrouded in shadows like he was hiding. there was nobody around; merlin had checked a thousand times over, but he still felt the urge to look around instead of meeting arthur’s shadowed eyes.

“_ merlin. _”

the warlock swallowed. “i heard you the first time.”

arthur was wearing an uncharacteristically open expression on his face, brow furrowing up and blue eyes wide and earnest and _ so so so _ beautiful that guilt began to rise up in merlin’s chest. “then why aren’t you saying anything?”

there was a long moment of silence. in the distance, the sounds of night continued, unchanged by the turmoil of two men pointedly standing feet apart when all they wanted was to stand closer. merlin fought his instincts to run away, to hide, to deny himself. instead, he braved it all and looked up.

in the dim flickering torchlight, the prince’s face was lit by warm, glittering yellow light. _ inviting. beautiful. exquisite. _the moonlight from the windows fell across the darker half of the hall, where merlin stood, shying away from the light that threatened to expose him. the gold and silver shades mixed across the floor in a dance of wills, moving in rhythm with the chilly breeze winding its way in through the open windows. 

“do you really have nothing to say to that?” arthur pressed. he had steeled his expression, just like he had been taught after years upon years of training to be the future king. but after spending so long with him, merlin could read him all too well.

the subtle dip of the left side of his mouth, the worry lines already deepening near his eyes, the soft, insecure undertone to his voice-- arthur was here, spilling his heart, being vulnerable, and merlin _ couldn’t stand it _.

“it’s late, sire,” the warlock tried, taking another step back, as if physical distance would be enough to tear his heart back from the man who had stolen it years ago. “we should both get back to our chambers.”

arthur nodded, face falling into a facade of dispassionate nonchalance, but his fisted hands and unnaturally rigid posture giving him away.

for a moment, merlin thought he had done it. he had avoided the conversation he had never meant to have. but he should’ve known it was too good to be true. “do you care for me? at all?” the prince’s voice was far too soft to be disregarded flippantly.

“does it matter?”

arthur’s head snapped up, jostling his hair wildly. “of _ course _ it matters.” the words sounded angry, but merlin could sense the stronger feeling of hurt underneath it all. “why do you think i asked?”

“we can’t do this, sir— _ arthur _ .” the brunet was wringing his wrists now, trying to find something, _ anything _, to serve as a means or excuse for escape.

“why not?” the blonde sounded desperate. never had merlin ever heard arthur’s voice twist in that way; it was an earnest plea and nothing less.

merlin tried to ignore the gut-wrenching pain in his gut. “you’re the crown prince,” he said, trying to focus on their shadows dancing on the floor, conjoining and then moving away whenever the drafts of the corridor shifted. “i’m a peasant.” his fingers curled defensively against the frayed hems of his jacket sleeves. “and—we’re both men, and i’m not even from camelot, and you need an heir, and—”

“who are you trying to convince, merlin?” arthur’s voice was but a whisper, low and conspiratorial as he stepped closer, footsteps echoing menacingly against the empty space. in a few mere steps, he was backing merlin up against the windowsill. the uneven stone pressed into his back, the bricks scraping against the material of his tunic and reminding the warlock of the reality of the situation he was in.

this was no idyllic daydream— it had been brought to life in the cruelest way and displayed as his worst nightmare just so that fate could tear out his heart for fun.

“i’m not trying to convince anyone,” merlin shot back defensively. “i’m just telling the truth.” the words came out much harsher than he had meant them to.

arthur paused again, and this time, merlin wasn’t able to avoid the prince’s magnetic gaze. it attracted him like a moth to flame, pulling him out of this harrowing reality. for a moment, the brunet wondered if all of this insanity was truly feasible. maybe, just_ maybe _ , there was some way, _ any _ way, that merlin could give himself to arthur fully. _ be his. _ and have arthur for himself. it was the stuff of fever dreams, but for a solid second, it had truly felt in reach.

because as long as merlin had harbored these scandalous, treasonous thoughts, he had never once expected arthur to actually return his feelings. but now here he was, standing paces away from the angel of his dreams, being tempted by the passionate sin that he had always denied himself. even as he stared into the encompassing oceans of arthur’s eyes. he could feel the jarring pressure of reality holding him back on a leash, keeping him from drowning like he _ oh-so _-wished he could.

  


“the truth,” arthur repeated, voice utterly blank and even, as if he was ensuring the weight and merit of the words. his gaze was much too intense— merlin couldn’t hold it without feeling the panic and fear and butterflies creeping up into his throat, threatening to spill. he averted his eyes again, to see their shadows firmly consolidated into one on the uneven stone floor because of how close they stood. 

“what would you do, arthur?” the warlock managed finally, tone already resigned. “court me? make me your royal consort?”

something about arthur’s lack of response made merlin think that he’d already thought all of these possibilities over a thousand times. and of course, he had come up with the only plausible answer: _ “i don’t know.” _but did anyone know? surely, there could be nobody in this world who knew what they were doing, nobody who knew how to stop a heart from breaking like this. 

merlin shook his head, not even knowing what he was denying anymore. “there you go.”

“you still haven’t answered me,” arthur pressed, leaning forward in the slightest, enough to make merlin feel his heart speed up in his chest.

“answered what?” the brunet asked, playing dumb if only to pull the conversation out longer, even thought he know it would only hurt him more in the end. _ perhaps i am a masochist. _

“do you care for me?”

“don’t you know the answer to that already?”

“i don’t know anything anymore.”

merlin took a shaky breath, moving his hands back to grip the windowsill behind him to distract himself from the prince looming over him. he could barely bring himself to look arthur in the eye again, but when he finally did, he felt a strange sense of vertigo. it was as if the world was falling apart around them and the only thing holding merlin from being engulfed was the intensity in the blonde’s cerulean gaze anchoring him to the spot.

he inhaled violently, a sob already lodging itself in his throat. “of course i care,” he said, tone resolute even as he fought to keep from shedding tears. “i’ve cared for years, clotpole.” an unrestrained smile worked its way into arthur’s face at the halfhearted insult. “ever since the first time you smiled at me.” those blue eyes were staring through his soul, disarming him, stripping him bare and exposing him. “and since then, i can’t stop myself. i can’t keep myself from going out of my way to make you happy, no matter what the consequences may be.”

arthur took another step closer, stepping out of the torchlight into the shadows lit solely by the constant watchful eye of the moon, leaving barely inches between them. the moonlight looked wrong on him. so blue and melancholy on a prince of gold. “so you _ do _ care.”

“weren’t you listening?” merlin replied with a dry laugh, and the prince chuckled under his breath, finally looking away and giving merlin a second to catch his breath. it was silent again except for the soft chirping of the crickets outside and the sounds of metal clanking on metal as the guards switched positions up and down the main halls, missing the little alcove the two of them were hidden in, away from all prying eyes.

it was loudest silence merlin had ever heard. oppressive, deafening, keeping him frozen stubbornly in place. there was a question lingering tauntingly in the air, inviting and haunting and stubbornly out of reach. _ what now? _neither of them made a single sound or moved an inch, so arthur’s soft, sad laugh just played again and again through merlin’s mind like a mantra. 

arthur looked up again, ocean eyes shining and wet with unshed tears, like soft currents in all their serene brilliance, but merlin knew that if he got too close, they would become the very tumultuous recesses of space that would threaten to swallow him up and drown him until there was nothing left.

but it wasn’t as if he could-- _ would _ \-- tear his gaze away. “merlin,” the prince began, voice intimate and conspiratorial.

“stop,” merlin interrupted, clenching his jaw and trying to force his heart to freeze and stop and die. “don’t say anything else.” he swallowed, the lump in his throat throbbing and making it hard 

to _ breathe _ or _ speak _ or _ think _\--

“merl--”

“_ please. _”

for a second, arthur listened, beautiful mouth snapping closed with a wounded expression. but he didn’t stay compliant for long. “i can’t do this,” he said finally, voice coming out harshly, the warm air from his breath clouding in the cold air and hitting merlin’s face in the short distance between them. “i can’t do this anymore.”

the warlock watched, eyes wide, as arthur ran a shaking hand through his hair, using the motion to disguise a tear rolling down his face. against his better judgment, merlin reached out to him, pale fingers hesitantly touching the prince’s cheek. arthur stilled, freezing and staring at merlin as though afraid to spook him. merlin took another breath, willing his hands to stop trembling. arthur’s face was warm; it was the only warmth in the drafty alcove; it-- _ he _ \-- was the warmest being that merlin had ever encountered.

deep down, merlin knew this was a bad idea. there was nowhere to go but downhill from here. it was better to stop before there was momentum. _ right? _ but before he could tear his hand away, arthur’s reached up to cover it, trapping it against the heat of his cheek. fingers calloused from a knight’s battles ran softly over fingers calloused from dedicated service and a life hard lived.

merlin’s breath hitched as arthur leaned closer, his breath bouncing off merlin’s face and hair tangling with his own, blonde against burnt brown. he could see the lips he had fantasized about night after night right in front of his eyes, but he couldn’t let it happen._ i can’t. _

he angled his head away at the last moment.

arthur seemed to expect it. he said nothing, didn’t even flinch. instead, he rested his forehead against merlin’s, still and doing absolutely nothing but breathing the same air. 

“we can’t,” merlin began again, voice sounding openly pained.

“i know.” arthur’s eyes were closed, as if he were too afraid to see the truth right in front of him. “i_ know _we can’t.” his grip on merlin’s fingers tightened. “doesn’t mean i don’t want to.”

it was merlin’s turn to stay wordless. he took the moment to study arthur’s face from up close, seeing the lighter blonde strands woven into his hair and the way his strong jaw twitched uncontrollably as he fought not to cry.

“do you love me?” the question was repeated. if the first time was a question, this time, it was just a plea. a note of desperation, an earnest prayer. _ just say yes _.

merlin couldn’t breathe. his chest was collapsing in on itself. _ just say yes. _ he opened his mouth, working his jaw, but all that came out was a choked sob. _ just say yes. _ muffling himself with his free hand, the warlock fought to keep himself together. _ just say yes. _ “forget about me.”

arthur seemed to have given up. “i can’t,” he said, panic finding its way into his voice. “do you think i haven’t tried?” he opened his eyes again, this time set with a sort of steely determination, a sort of pain, that merlin hadn’t seen in a very long time. “all these years, merlin. all this time, i’ve tried, i’ve tried.”

the brunet bit his lip._ i’ve tried too, arthur. i’ve really tried. _

“i can’t help the way i feel about you. i can’t escape.” the fingers on merlin’s gripped tighter. “i can’t escape you.”

merlin squeezed back. _ bad idea. bad idea. he’s a bad idea. this is a bad idea. _ arthur’s lips were so close, so alluring, so inviting-- it was an invitation that merlin wanted nothing more than to take. _ no, i can’t, i won’t, i can’t-- _

the silence reigned like it was the kingdom come. merlin could feel arthur’s pulse thundering against his skin, galloping, running, thumping and ringing like drums, like horses out of stables, like a flooding riverbank. “it’s late,” he said finally. “someone might come this way.”

arthur released his hold on merlin’s hand, but didn’t move back. “let’s go back to my chambers then.”

“no,” merlin blurted out, voice cracking roughly. “i can’t… i can’t come with you.” the prince stared at him, eyes open and afraid. _ afraid. _ “i… i don’t trust myself around you.”

arthur stepped back like he had been shot, hands fisting in the carefully ironed fabric of his breeches. merlin felt the warmth receding and leaving him, freezing him from his toes to his fingers to his lips to his heart to his soul. _ numb. _

“alright.” the blonde said finally, taking another step back. the torchlight finally washed over him again, casting him in the golds he deserved, leagues away from merlin standing shrouded in the darkness of shadows and dim moonlight. he looked like beautifully tortured god of legends. 

he looked further away than merlin had ever imagined. 

“arthur,” merlin said, voice carrying and echoing painfully in the empty corridor. “arthur. you know that… you know i would do anything for you?” the prince gave a jerky nod. “i… i would _ die _ for you, arthur. i would.” the words came out reverant, like a vow. for that was what they were, weren’t they?

“i know.” the prince sounded resigned and cold. “i know.” merlin wished he could pretend. even for a moment. just_ pretend _that he didn’t hear the sound of his own heart splintering and shattering and being crushed into a thousand pieces. as if he didn’t feel the numbness creeping up his limbs and threatening to eat him alive. “goodnight, merlin,” arthur said, turning on his heel and walking off, sounding as though he had said his last farewells.

merlin’s eyes drifted to the floor again, where his shadow stood painfully alone. 

to see exactly what he wanted so badly dancing _ just _ within reach-- to have to reject it-- to have to reject _ him _ … “arthur,” merlin called out into the empty hallway, not caring who heard. “ _ arthur! _” 

he was met by naught but the mocking echo of his own voice, sounding garbled and pitched. the torches overhead flickered invitingly and merlin couldn’t stand it anymore. with a subtle flick of his fingers, he put them all out at once, plunging himself into utter darkness, where he finally let himself fall apart. he no longer cared who saw-- being burned at the pyre was nothing compared to the overbearing weight on his lungs that was beginning to crush him entirely.

he felt the tears streaming down his face before he fully realized he was crying. they were warm-- mocking reminders of the heat that had left him. that he had _ let _ leave him. the coldness of the corridor bore down on him once more as merlin let himself sink to the floor, knees meeting the uneven stone underfoot and pressing through his clothes.

_ silence, _except for the hitches in his breath.

_ cold, _except for the heat of the tears streaming down his face.

_ alone, _except for the cruel memories of the tempting salvation that he could never have.

“arthur,” merlin said into the darkness, voice barely above a whisper. “_ i love you. _”

  


**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you guys think? I hope it made sense, which the whole idea being so ambiguous and lacking a build-up and all. All constructive criticism is appreciated, as well as advice or thoughts on the fic in general! Characterization and imagery are especially important to me, so if you guys have anything to point out about that I would much appreciate it. Most of this was typed on my phone at midnight, so if there are any mistakes, please let me know!
> 
> As for the lowercase-- I've been reading a lot of poetry recently for my classes, and some were done extensively in lowercase. I wrote this initially with normal capitalization, but when I was writing the end, a lot of it seemed a little blatant to me instead of the tone I was going for. When I changed it all to lowercase, it felt much more like a conspiratorial whisper, I guess, so I decided to make the change just for the sake of the ~tone~. Let me know if you guys have any thoughts on that as well, because it's my first time trying something like it. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, please leave a kudos or comment and check out my crack!fics, "Last Line of Defense" and "Wingman of the Century" for some more juicy Merlin content :) Shameless self plug over!! Have a great day everyone!!


End file.
